The new me in the old world

Sheeeit, mang. Who am I? Where am I? what am I doing? It's like a whole new world! I am doing things this year I never thought I'd be doing when I started college. Always have been a bit of a, uh, what is it... socially inept sort of fellow? I'm probably still awkward but at least I don't care anymore. Well, mostly. Of course, I have Japan to thank for that. Old news. Old. News.

The point is, I went caving last weekend with UC's Mountaineering Club. But I'm a little too... shall we say husky for it. I couldn't fit into the crawlspaces with everyone else, so while they were off exploring, I was stuck waiting in the dark cave alone. Which, in itself, was kind of a cool experience. For a while I had my headlight on, but then I figured why waste the battery, and turned that sucker off. (Actually it was just to get rid of all the fucking bugs flying around my goddamn head.) I've never been in pitch blackness before! Actually, I have to be honest. There was a small point of very dim light that pointed to the entrance to the cave... But other than that I couldn't see a damned thing! I could hear shit, though. Drip drip goes the water. And I think I heard cave crickets crawling around my head - there was some weird sound I couldn't identify, but that's my best guess.

It was bizarre.

Anyway, yeah, I couldn't fit in the crawlspaces. Or at least I felt like I couldn't. Maybe I could've fit through at least one of them, if I forced my way through, but I felt pretty good and stuck before I was even halfway, and I guess I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get BACK through. I'm not claustrophobic by any stretch of the imagination, but... hey. It was a new thing for me. I'm allowed to be a frightened little child.

What I'm trying to get at here is that this is the first time my weight (that is to say, my overweight, my physical girth) has actually impeded on my ability to enjoy life. I mean sure, because I'm out of shape, I might get tired easier than other people, but it's never outright prevented me from doing something. It was... kind of depressing. It's not even like I'm ginormous, either, I'm just too big for the wossnames, you know.

I really was excited for caving, too. It's one of those things I've always wanted to do.

I wonder, though, if I'm just too big even if I was in shape. I'm not a small guy! I mean, 6'4" is nothing to scoff at! Who knows. The only way to find out is to get in shape, and that's what I've been working on since the school year began (albeit sporadically - I really should stick to the fucking schedule, eh?).

On a happier note, I'm second in the reserve line for the trip to Mt. Washington this February. Only second! I should probably be bummed I'm in the reserves and not going on the trip, since unlike a lot of people in the club, I am a senior. However, senior or not, I'm still new to the club. Shit go down like shit go down. Besides, it's probably better if I don't go. 1) I'm broke. 2) I dunno if I could handle the trip in my shape. 3) It'd be happening right in the middle of when I should be working on my senior design project.

Three great excuses to not be sobbing myself to sleep. Good enough for me.

Life is grand, ain't it? (This is not a sarcastic remark, despite what the context may imply.)

I wanna be a real boy!

Well, it's been a while since I wrote anything. I had intended to write some proverbial Final Thoughts or some shit regarding my extranational experiences much sooner than this, but the world turns as the world turns and sometimes it just don't turn for you!

So here goes.

Japan is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me...

Let me start again.

Japan is undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I remember when I first signed up for this ICP nonsense, it was kind of half-heartedly. I always knew I'd eventually be going to Japan, and I knew I had to keep above a 3.0 GPA to be eligible. I did it, and I made it. But even with all the problems I had getting a job prior to leaving the country, and getting my passport, and packing, and and and and... AND-- It bit me in the ass. I don't know how, but I just really didn't feel it coming until I was already landing.

And then I was in Japan. I've talked enough about my experiences. No doubt as I catch up with everyone they'll ask me questions and I'll mumble and attempt to traverse my terrible memory until they walk away disappointed...

Alas! That's not why I'm writing NOW at THIS MOMENT IN TIME.

Japan changed me. Not in an immediately obvious way, and especially not in an outward way. I no doubt still appear to be the same shy guy who lacks any significant amount of confidence, but inside I am different! I promise. I'm more confident - this isn't something I had a problem with before, but people often equate shyness with lack of confidence. Nonetheless, I am more confident now.

More importantly, I've gotten over one of my greatest character flaws: lack of motivation. For the longest time I had no real desire to do anything, and I spent a lot of time moping about wondering why oh why I couldn't find the desire to do things. Oops. The solution? Just fucking do it, idiot.

I'm not sure when or how it happened or what the catalyst was in Japan, but at some point while I was over there, I just realized that I did not think about it anymore. How excellent! I started doing pixel art for fun (this was in Korea, when I had a lot more time for it and didn't feel exhausted after work). I started really planning out a game with My Good Buddy. We've made it a lot further than we ever have before and soon I'll continue with my part of the project -once I get a fucking desk. (Motivation or not, a few piles of boxes does not make for a comfortable working desk. Ironically, I still suffer through it for vidya gaems. Clearly I've still got priority issues!) Photography, traveling, outdoorsy things - I discovered/rediscovered loves for all these and more.

I am excited about life.

So. Yeah. Thanks, Japan!